2012: A late review based on a partial viewing

I can’t afford to lose anymore intelligence, but I started watching 2012 despite knowing it was bad disaster porn. I’m having trouble articulating why I did this. Maybe to see just how dumb it was, or to see the special effects. I don’t remember, but I feel dumber after watching only part of the movie.

My review is based on what I saw in part of the movie. The crap science I expected was crappier than expected, and the blah, blah dialogue was so tedious I started fast forwarding to when the effects kicked into gear.

From what I saw, the movie has two distinct parts: The story of John Cusak’s schlub character, whose name I can’t be bothered to remember (because what the fuck does it matter?); and everyone else, whose names I can’t remember (because what the fuck does it matter?).

Cusak’s story is supposed to provide levity through his character’s idiocy (maybe that’s unintentional). He’s matched up with his family and some other character who’s his ex wife’s current lay (I think, because again, what does it matter who he is) as they barely escape one ridonkulous fx disaster sequence after another through laughable circumstances. After three such sequences I just gave up. I’m sure at at the end there’s some heartwarming redemption of John Cusak’s schlub character, because that’s what predictability looks like.

Everyone else in the movie is there to die nobly, or tragically, or stand around and look serious while spouting nonsense science. I’m sure they did their job, but who cares? The movie would have been improved without any characters whatsoever.

The filmmakers gleefully kill millions, or maybe billions in ginormously extravagant and ridiculous special effects sequences. They comedically kill a pair of grannies in Cusak’s character line who are driving slowly ahead of the disaster, because everyone knows that old people only drive slow. Funny right? Outside this character line the movie maintains a contrasting somber tone. Why? Because killing almost everyone on Earth is serious, and deserves to be dramatic. It’s a jarring contrast in tone.

In the end, which I didn’t get to, 2012 is not a comedy, but it is laughable.